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We interview Dr. Deanna Brann, author of “Reluctantly Related Revisited; Breaking Free of the mother-in-law daughter-in-law conflicts.”
Coming to you this time from the Hollywood Professional Wrestler’s Ring.
Deanne works with both mother-in-laws and daughters-in-laws but not together.
A mother-in-law who will do or say anything, no matter what is a big problem for a young wife. The husband, who has dealt with his mother his entire life avoids the problem. If the mother-in-law, for example, is dropping by unannounced or exhibiting other irritating behavior, it’s important for the wife to set boundaries. The couple needs to be a united front when confronting her.
There are also times when you can use humor, especially if both women have stark differences such as religion.
It’s important on both sides to get to know each other and develop a relationship independent of the son/husband. That way both women see each other as real people. However, boundaries still need to be put into place. The mother-in-law is not the daughter-in-law’s daughter. She has her own mom.
To some extent, it depends on each woman’s personality. Deanna says women, more often than men, take things too personally and don’t see the situation the way it really is.
[bctt tweet=”Having trouble with your #in-laws ? Listen to the #podcast with @2BoomerBroads and @DeannaBrann” via=”no”]When children are involved
Once the couple has children the in-law situation becomes more complex. Both women have their own style of child raising and they don’t always mesh.
Sandwich Generation
Many Baby Boomers are taking care of their parents as they age, which can cause more problems. The wife often ends up taking care of her mother-in-law because that’s the way it works out. This changes their roles. When they are taking care of both children and parents, it’s even more complicated.
Marital vs In-law issues
Sometimes a couple can’t differentiate between an in-law issue and a marital one. You can’t fix a mother-in-law problem if you’re having difficulties in your marriage. A wife will want her husband to fix the problem (or fix his mother) but that’s not his job. He can help his wife understand his mom better or ways to deal with her, but can’t fix the problem itself.
The same issues may keep coming up and never get resolved. When the words “you always do that,” or “you never do that” are shouted out that usually means it’s a marital issue.
A mother-in-law has to learn to let go of her son. She has to move on from her mom role and let her son be the man he’s supposed to be. Each side needs to be respectful of each other. Both women have an important role in the family. The mother-in-law is the son’s mother and can’t be shut completely out.
Weddings are usually where the problems start. It’s important that both mother-in-law and wife find a commonality. The husband needs to stay out of the middle and let the two women work it out themselves.
In-laws who are besties
Both women may become such good friends, the husband feels left out or picked on. Or, the couple gets divorced and the old in-laws show up at the parties of the new husband and wife.
No matter what, it’s important to learn to make the relationship between mother-in-law, daughter-in-law and husband work for the grandkids.
You can visit Deanna’s website at www.inlawSOS.com
I feel so lucky to have a wonderful mother-in-law. I will try to BE one when the time comes, too!
Know what you mean. It’s wonderful that you have a great relationship with yours.
My mother-in-law is long gone, but it was a strained relationship. Wish I had the wisdom then that I do now about that. Important topic to discuss!
Thanks, Cathy. It’s true, it can be complicated. Nice to know there is a resource. For most of us at our age, we’re the mother-in-law.
Luckily I had a wonderful mother-n-law, but I know many who do not and this is great advice. Thanks for sharing.
You’re a lucky one too. That’s so great. It’s so much better to get along.
Imperative is correct. My aunt gave me great advice: You cannot win a battle against the woman your son sleeps with. Period. End of Story. So don’t do battle. My DIL and I had a rough patch due to many different reasons, but all is well now.
So glad you were able to resolve your differences. So important for grandkids when and if they come along.
As the recently crowned MIL of both a DIL and a SIL, I am acutely aware of how tenuous the relationship can be based on my own experience with a MIL. Thankfully we have gotten off to a great start and I certainly hope it stays that way.
Congrats Helene. Glad you are getting along with them and wish you well in the future.
I could have used all of this great advice years ago when my mother-in-law was alive. However, I am a mother-in-law and have a wonderful relationship with my daughter’s husband. I do cherish and nourish that relationship.
That’s so wonderful Ellen. To your beautiful relationship continuing forever.
I never had them. Now, everyone’s gone, so I really don’t have them!
Yes, we are getting to the age when we don’t have to worry about it so much unless our kids are involved. Or, sometimes dogs.
My FIL passed away recently and we are caring for my 90 year old MIL. It is not easy although she is lovely I sometimes resent the intrusion on our lives. Then I sit back and admonish myself as she has just lost her partner of 70 years – it is worth the intrusion to try to make her last few years happy if that is at all possible.
So sorry to hear about your FIL. Taking care of a parent or in-law is never easy but it is so much better for them to be home with their loved ones. 70 years with a spouse is impressive. She must be a wonderful woman.
I’ve been blessed with a lovely MIL too – it sounds like quite a few of us got lucky judging from the comments! It certainly makes life easier knowing you aren’t being white ant-ed by your husband’s parents.
That’s for sure Leanne. Better to get along if possible. They are not with us that long.
Yes. I started out on rocky footing with my mother-in-law but we are buddies now, twelve years later! Having my daughter helped a lot.
That’s great to hear Estelle. Sometimes it takes a while but glad it worked out with your MIL.
Your own family can be totally crazy but its so much worse if its your inlaws. At least you’re completely used to your own family insanity!
Yes, it can get pretty insane sometimes. Not always easy, that’s for sure.